For those who have or haven't followed this story so far.... Had a crap childhood, got kicked out of home at 16 and went flatting etc... raped, stalked and abused, got a nice drinking habit (until I had to have my gallbladder removed), went slightly nutz for a while, then found out I have 7 chronic illnesses!! Yep that's right SEVEN!!!!!
And all that was before I turned 30!! But what doesn't kill you makes you stronger and I have always believed that we go through the experiences we do so that we may better handle the stuff we haven't been through yet...
Case in point, My Mum
When I thought I was mentally ill, I realised what the mental health system was like, surprise, suprise it's crap. I was treated as less than human as the so called "professionals" said no one would believe me if I told anyone what they did. But that is a story for another blog.
Fast forward 10 years.... My Mum had a psychotic breakdown. My disabled teenage sister watched her degenerate into seeming less babble. But through my experiences, I was able to help Mum into hospital. Now my sister lives with me full time and I can explain to her what Mum must be feeling etc.
From trying to kill myself (another blog I promise), I learnt how much of a privilege life is. It is not up to me to decide when I die, God knows I tried hard enough and doctors are surprised I lived through it, but it made me see that we are here for a purpose, what that purpose is I don't know yet, but big or small everyone has a contribution to make.
3 weeks ago my friend was taken from us at 33 from bone cancer. Since then I have to admit I haven't been in a positive frame of mind. Don't get me wrong I will never go back to the 'black days' of the past, but I seem to have lost my mojo, the spark that makes me want to make a difference.
I hadn't left the house since her funeral, while in some part because I was sick and my little sister has bronchitis, in some part I wasn't ready to face it again. Not showering as often as I should and generally not giving a damn about everything, staying up all night so I could sleep the day and the pain away.
Then this morning, after another late night (2 hours sleep), I got a call. My Grandfather just died.
The fact that I am not ready to deal with the first death this month is making this all seem so unreal. My father's birthday is on Friday, Grandpas funeral is on Thursday and my sister still has bronchitis.
But I did what I do best, I AM A WIZZ UNDER PRESSURE.
So I got up and showered (about time too) and was in the car with my father for the hour long drive to the retirement village my grandparents live at.
My grandparents are definite old school people. You don't show up at their home unclean, or unshaven - as my father learnt last year - And always, always have a stiff upper lip. No emotion is to be shown at any time.
My grandmother would put the queen to shame with her regal state, but when she answered the door, I just saw a lady who had lost the other half of her and didn't quite understand it.
True, Grandpa had been going downhill for about a month. But gone was the brilliant scientist, in the last few weeks he had taken to yelling in his sleep and not making much sense when awake.
Doctors say it was an aneurysm in his lung or heart. My Grandmother heard him muttering at 7am (different rooms for years, he snored), so she got up to get him a cuppa tea. But when she went in he didn't answer, so she pushed him, nothing. I think at this point she knew but had to make sure so she slapped his face.
When we got there, she was mortified that ambulance staff, doctors and police etc had seen her before she had her makeup on, bless her.
Walking into his room seemed surreal, he looked like he would open his eyes and make a joke. I have seen dead people before, and he looked peaceful, but I never got to say goodbye. We all knew it wouldn't be long but don't we all think we have much longer than we do??
So here I am, back home, wondering how to cope with another loss so soon.
Am I strong enough for this??