PITY ME NOT

Hey everyone
Wow what a varried amount of responses. For the record, I am far from
being a cartoon character living in cloud land - although it sounds
like a nice place to visit.
The things I have learned on my journey through hell etc is that you
can't hide from life. God knows I spent enough time doing that. From
a young age I completed the cycle of violence my father handed down to
me. It took a while to realise that it is a conscious choice to
continue to hit and be beligerant. So I decided to drop the nickname
of Bruiser (which I had so rightly earned) and try a different tactic
on life.

My next foray was into the life of oblivion. Being allergic to beer
(not that I think it tastes that great anyway), disliking wine (cheap
upbringing I think), I went straight to spirits and had a lot of fun
after being kicked out of home at 16.


By 19 engaged and with a tiny alcohol problem I finally got some
control over myself, learning that life is still there when sober.


Aged 20 and I had my gallbladder removed from alcohol abuse, and now
have liver legions. LESSON LEARNED - What you do today has an effect
on the rest of your life.



>From then on I went a bit nutty. I hardly ever slept and was forever


having terrible nightmares, the best way to describe them is to ask
you all if you have ever had a dream where you are falling and feel
yourself falling, only to wake up before you hit the bottom??
Well 95% of my dreams are that intense but with differing subjects,
usually the macabre and horrific. I couldn't handle it and thought I
was just weak, that everyone had these dreams etc, that there was a
major flaw in me.

Add to that seeing things that I knew weren't there, like glowing
nimbus's floating across the room. I knew they weren't real, my cat
sure couldn't see them. I thought I was loosing my mind.


Fast forward 8 years and several attempts to sleep for a time of a
permanent nature. Being in the mental health system was no joy, but
it was an escape for me, you can get away with stuff that the average
joe can't do.
The whole time I was saying "I'm depressed because I can't sleep" and
the medical professionals were saying "you can't sleep because you're
depressed". It took a sleep study to reveal the truth, NARCOLEPSY.


All the symptoms fit and the brain scan can't lie, I was right.
LESSON LEARNT - Always believe in yourself, you know you better than
anyone and never give up.


Those are just 2 lessons I have learnt there are many more. Must
admit haven't read Hemmingway. But one thing is for sure, this blog
is not a poor me sob story, I have a brain and an opinion and am not
stopping until they are heard.

This is not my lucky month!!

For those who have or haven't followed this story so far.... Had a crap childhood, got kicked out of home at 16 and went flatting etc... raped, stalked and abused, got a nice drinking habit (until I had to have my gallbladder removed), went slightly nutz for a while, then found out I have 7 chronic illnesses!! Yep that's right SEVEN!!!!!

And all that was before I turned 30!! But what doesn't kill you makes you stronger and I have always believed that we go through the experiences we do so that we may better handle the stuff we haven't been through yet...

Case in point, My Mum
When I thought I was mentally ill, I realised what the mental health system was like, surprise, suprise it's crap. I was treated as less than human as the so called "professionals" said no one would believe me if I told anyone what they did. But that is a story for another blog.

Fast forward 10 years.... My Mum had a psychotic breakdown. My disabled teenage sister watched her degenerate into seeming less babble. But through my experiences, I was able to help Mum into hospital. Now my sister lives with me full time and I can explain to her what Mum must be feeling etc.

Death

From trying to kill myself (another blog I promise), I learnt how much of a privilege life is. It is not up to me to decide when I die, God knows I tried hard enough and doctors are surprised I lived through it, but it made me see that we are here for a purpose, what that purpose is I don't know yet, but big or small everyone has a contribution to make.

3 weeks ago my friend was taken from us at 33 from bone cancer. Since then I have to admit I haven't been in a positive frame of mind. Don't get me wrong I will never go back to the 'black days' of the past, but I seem to have lost my mojo, the spark that makes me want to make a difference.

I hadn't left the house since her funeral, while in some part because I was sick and my little sister has bronchitis, in some part I wasn't ready to face it again. Not showering as often as I should and generally not giving a damn about everything, staying up all night so I could sleep the day and the pain away.

Then this morning, after another late night (2 hours sleep), I got a call. My Grandfather just died.

The fact that I am not ready to deal with the first death this month is making this all seem so unreal. My father's birthday is on Friday, Grandpas funeral is on Thursday and my sister still has bronchitis.

But I did what I do best, I AM A WIZZ UNDER PRESSURE.
So I got up and showered (about time too) and was in the car with my father for the hour long drive to the retirement village my grandparents live at.

My grandparents are definite old school people. You don't show up at their home unclean, or unshaven - as my father learnt last year - And always, always have a stiff upper lip. No emotion is to be shown at any time.

My grandmother would put the queen to shame with her regal state, but when she answered the door, I just saw a lady who had lost the other half of her and didn't quite understand it.

True, Grandpa had been going downhill for about a month. But gone was the brilliant scientist, in the last few weeks he had taken to yelling in his sleep and not making much sense when awake.

Doctors say it was an aneurysm in his lung or heart. My Grandmother heard him muttering at 7am (different rooms for years, he snored), so she got up to get him a cuppa tea. But when she went in he didn't answer, so she pushed him, nothing. I think at this point she knew but had to make sure so she slapped his face.

When we got there, she was mortified that ambulance staff, doctors and police etc had seen her before she had her makeup on, bless her.

Walking into his room seemed surreal, he looked like he would open his eyes and make a joke. I have seen dead people before, and he looked peaceful, but I never got to say goodbye. We all knew it wouldn't be long but don't we all think we have much longer than we do??

So here I am, back home, wondering how to cope with another loss so soon.
Am I strong enough for this??

Lifes Little Mysteries

Ok so we have all done it at one time or another... no not that, I mean googling yourself. Tonight I found over 100 entries for my blog. Maybe, just maybe I am reaching into the great wide world and someone is actually reading these blogs. Then again maybe they're not.

Over the past 2 weeks I have been up and down thinking about my friend who died and the angel friend still holding on. Add to that my little sisters bronchitis and my grandfathers very rapidly failing health I suppose I would have a right to feel sorry for myself, right??
WRONG

I have suddenly realised that I need to start taking my own advice. Life is so for living and we don't get second chances. God knows that I have in my younger years tried to think that things would be better if I wasn't on the planet, but I was given another chance (well when you get into it quite a few chances). So what the hell am I doing sitting here feeling down when I have work to do??

How can I make the best of my life?
I say I want to help bring about change and then what do I do - NOTHING!

Time for a change, Little is back and ready for action. I have wisdom to impart before I leave this earth and someone, somewhere is going to learn something from it I am sure of it.

That is not being egotistic or anything, I have been several lifetimes of strange/sad/bewildering and beautiful experiences. Some I would love to forget, some will remain with me like a warm blanket on a cold night, a comfort when it gets dark and cold.

Step 1 - Put myself out there.
So I have written another blog and shock horror enrolled in a dating site!!
For so long I have been scared of getting hurt again that I have spent all my time helping others and no time on helping me. How can I give advice I can't take it?

Step 2 - Find out if anyone is actually reading these blogs. So for those of you currently tuned
into LITTLELAND - I need you to post a comment or drop me an email, something so I
know that I have at least made a start in imparting some wisdom somewhere...

My Friend just died

I had a friend who has had a really tough life. But 33 years was all the powers that be would grant her. Yesterday at 9pm she died of Bone cancer in a hospital bed.
After years of mental illness she was diagnosed with breast cancer 3 years ago. My best friend went with her to chemo every time and we thought it great when she was told she was in remission.
Then this year we found out she had bone cancer. Always trying to make light of it, our friend said she was fine and not to worry.

Doctors told her to plan her overseas holiday this year (she had never been), but she decided to wait until next year when her pregnant sister could go with her.

I don't know how to feel, it seems so unfair that after all the crap someone goes through in life that they have to die in such a horrid way and cut short her life.

I always try to believe that there is a reason for everything, that even death is for a reason. That we grow stronger with every experience we go through. All I can think now though is that she never got to do the things she really wanted, and suffered so much.

With my life already being a soap opera, I don't know how to deal with all the extra pain at the moment. My best friend is my flatmate and is devastated but won't talk or show any emotion. I don't know what to do to help her through this.
The funeral is on Monday.

It makes me wonder how I will cope when our other friend (who I often call my angel ) finally succumbs to Huntington's disease. She has already started showing symptoms. Angel has 3 beautiful kids and has devoted her life to helping people. Is there a reason for the pain that my friends have to go through??

I just had to write down my feelings to get them out, I know that life will go on, and from when I have lost others I know that every day is a little easier to deal with. When is the level of pain a person goes through too much. Is there a limit??

If as I believe everything happens for a reason, to teach others around us lessons we need to know, what do I need to learn from this and how can I use it to help others?

My life the soap opera

My life has always been somewhat like a really bad soap opera. For many years people have been saying I must write this all down, if for nothing else, than for people to realise there are people out there like me. Some say I am unlucky, I say I am strong. You decide...

From a young age I knew my dad didn't like me - well I can hear you say, whats new with that, loads of dads aren't perfect - and that's very true.
I guess he always wanted a boy. What he ended up with was 3 girls. But I was the only one with an attitude I guess. And that is his justification for hitting me. Not that I wasn't a total pain in the ass (I was a teenager) but now I have a permanent curvature in my spine and a dad who is not shy of telling me that I ruined his life and he wishes I had never been born.

So how am I lucky you may be thinking?
Well this was the first thing in my life I had to overcome. I learnt that you can break the cycle of violence and not be like your parents. Of course first I went through the bully stage - which I justified by saying I was protecting the underdog - Since when is that a reason for beating someone up??

I have lived through violence, racism, rape, stalkers, drug dealers, death (no obviously not mine), and many other crappy experiences and have come out all of it realising that my life is mine to make as I want it. That to be happy I don't need to be married with kids, fabulously rich (although it would be nice) or even to be loved by parents.

What I would like to do is see if people want to hear how I got through to the other side.
My life is still far from perfect, I have 7 chronic illnesses and have been told I will never work again, I have custody of my disabled teenage sister, my best friend is anorexic, 2 friends of mine are dying and my mum is mentally unwell - and thats just for starters!!!

But through all this I have to say, I am not unhappy. Life is for living and I will try the best I can with what I have. I often tell my life story to people to motivate etc and now I would like to try it online. I would also like peoples opinions on certain problems I face in my life.

I want to make a difference in the world.

• I want people to know that there is another way to do things.
• One person can make a difference.
• We all have things to contribute.

Now I need you to help me prove it